Will I Ever Feel Normal Again?

Excerpt from NOT BROKEN: The Unfiltered Daily Truth in Fighting Cancer

I don’t have any motivation to do anything.

I don’t want to have friends over.

I don’t want to cook.

I don’t want to clean.

The things I used to do in my everyday life are hard now. It’s like my priorities and my sense of purpose took a detour, and I am lost on this new road.

__________

Introduction

How This Book is Laid Out

To tell my story, I’ve taken my CaringBridge journal and reprinted it here as What I Did Say.

My CaringBridge journal are the thoughts and feelings that I felt comfortable sharing with the world, but it is not the full story. The full story is intimidating and embarrassing to tell. In this book, I’m telling the full story. I have taken that CaringBridge journal as What I Did Say and then added What I Didn’t Say….

The What I Didn’t Say sections are what I wanted to say but didn’t. There are many reasons why I didn’t. Some are thoughts I had after I had already posted and certainly didn’t want to post again. Some were too painful to post. Not physically painful but emotionally raw. For some I was just too afraid to say because I thought at the time that I was alone in my thoughts and feelings. I was an emotional mess.

CaringBridge allows for public comments too, which were very reassuring, but not published here.

I removed the GoFundMe donation links from this book. The links were on every update in CaringBridge because that is how it raised money. I did raise a tad over $9000.00, so it may be something for you to do as well. I discovered that people want to help but don’t know how. They don’t know what to say or to do. CaringBridge and GoFundMe gave them a chance to make a difference, and they did. I appreciated all of it. I needed all of it. If you think that sounds like a lot of money, it is not. Your

cancer journey is very expensive.

I never wanted to be needy. I never wanted people to pay attention to me. I don’t want pity. I am reasonably certain that neither do you. I wanted people to help me with, well, everything, but I don’t want to lose my independence. I have never had to ask for help like this before, not for myself. This is another emotion that I am having a hard time dealing with.

It took me several weeks to gather the courage to start journaling in my CaringBridge account. I’ve always been a private person. I never put myself first and never put my personal self out on public display. My professional self was everywhere but my personal self was locked away. Cancer changes everything.

The CaringBridge posts in this book are literally cut-n-paste. Please excuse the typos and bad grammar. I did not fix any of it for this book as it shows how poorly I was doing, though I was not really aware of it at the time.

In re-reading these posts and copying them for this project, I can’t believe how many typos and misspellings there are. I’m a decent writer; I’ve had articles published. I can spell. Did I just miss them or was I just too sick to notice? Did I notice and not care? I’m going to go with too sick because there are just way too many mistakes to be just an oversight. By sick, I don’t only mean physically feeling horrible, which I consistently always was, I also mean being emotionally ill.

Throughout this whole adventure, I have been mentally incompetent more often than I was aware of at the time and more than I care to admit. They call it chemo brain. Chemo brain is a common term used by cancer patients and cancer survivors to describe thinking and memory problems that occur during and after cancer treatment.

Chemo brain can also be called brain fog. You’re just not thinking clearly and it’s normal for chemo patients.

I did stop posting to CaringBridge in October 2023. It was too much to handle. I did continue to journal but stopped posting for public view. These private journal entries are also published here.

There are also tidbits added after some chapters. These are practical notes, free from the emotion of fighting cancer.

The book cover was created by AI. The book is not. The book is my journey. Unless stated otherwise, in my words.

I have kept the chapters in this booklet as short as possible, intentionally, and used what I hope is an easier-to-read font. After I was diagnosed, I could not read too much at all. My mind wandered, eyes blurred, and I could not concentrate for very long. Even reading the medical reports from my many doctor appointments was tedious. I haven’t read a good book in a couple of years, though I have one waiting for me on my nightstand. I don’t have the focus. Hopefully, this format is helpful for you. Anything we can do to make this journey easier; we should do.

How I am getting though it so far has been from my Faith, my family and my friends and by telling my story.

About NOT BROKEN: The Unfiltered Daily Truth in Fighting Cancer

This document is a personal reflection and overview of a cancer patient’s journey, emphasizing emotional struggles, honesty, and the importance of sharing experiences.

Overview of the Book and Purpose

The author shares her unfiltered cancer journey, combining journal entries from CaringBridge with additional insights, including what she didn’t say.
The narrative aims to provide an honest, raw account of the emotional and physical toll of cancer, including feelings of loss of motivation, independence, and purpose.
The author highlights the importance of community support through platforms like CaringBridge and GoFundMe, acknowledging their role in helping others understand and contribute.
She discusses her initial reluctance to ask for help, her private nature, and how cancer changed her perspective on vulnerability.
The book includes raw, unedited journal posts to authentically depict her mental and emotional state, including issues like chemo brain and emotional rawness.
Practical notes and tidbits are added post-chapters to offer helpful, emotion-free insights.

Redslipper Publishing

Paperback ISBN: 979-8-9948634-0-4

Hardcover ISBN: 979-8-9948634-1-1

eBook ISBN: 979-8-9948634-3-5

Library of Congress Control Number: 2026904462

For additional information, or to just follow along, visit our website at www.notbrokenbook.com

“CaringBridge” is a registered trademark of CaringBridge. You can find NOT BROKEN: The Unfiltered Daily Truth in Fighting Cancer on the CaringBridge Bookshelf at https://www.caringbridge.org/resources/not-broken

You will find NOT BROKEN: The Unfiltered Daily Truth in Fighting Cancer on Amazon at https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0GT2G4S3D

You will find NOT BROKEN: The Unfiltered Daily Truth in Fighting Cancer on Barnes & Noble at https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/not-broken-diane-skullr/1149686799?ean=9798994863435

Diane LaFaso Skullr

Will I Ever Feel Normal Again?