My Remission is NOT What I Expected
I battled hard and sometimes, I felt like I was not going to make it. For years, I waited and prayed and wished for this. I wanted to be in remission. I wanted to believe that the hard part was over.
Finally, after 2 years of battling stage 4 colon cancer, my scans started to come back as clear. I was NED. Then another year of chemotherapy and clear scans. The doctor finally stopped the chemo and declared me to be in remission. I have been in remission now for 8 months. Curable is not a word they use for me, so remission is my best-case scenario.
My friends and family are genuinely happy for me and want me to be happy too. Yet, while everyone was celebrating me as being cancer free, I noticed something that I didn’t expect. I was not celebrating. I am in some sort of void that I can’t explain. Somedays I feel nothing, and other days I am sad and frightened. I thought I would be able to exhale now,and to stop being so worried. Instead, I think I may be grieving.
My doctor appointments went from every three weeks to every three months. Instead of feeling relieved, I am feeling abandoned and alone. Having what were sometimes daily appointments and having a full medical care team at my disposal gave me a strange level of confidence. I know, this is my battle to fight yet having all that medical attention never made me feel like I was doing it alone. I’m unsure if I know how to take the rest of this road on my own. I thought and I prayed that remission would be the end of my crisis, but it doesn’t feel that way.
If this is where you are, what you need to know is that nothing is wrong with you. This apparently, I’ve been told, is normal.
Many people think of a cancer journey as a simple, linear experience. First a diagnosis, then treatment, then remission, then relief, then back to normal. However, no one told my body that plan or if they did, my body rebelled. I spent years discovering that appointments and test results could bring bad news and that my body could not be trusted. I had a previous recurrence so I know that feeling good can be temporary.
Survival mode doesn’t have an on/off switch. Recovery does not have a schedule that I can calendar. The happiness I expected didn’t happen. I have periods of happiness that show up and then disappear without warning. I am grateful to be finished with treatment, of course I am. But I can’t shake all the feeling of turmoil and dread. I feel absolute relief and profound anxiety at the same time. Both can be true.
Simply put, my body and my mind have spent years on high alert, in crisis mode, in survival mode. I have been constantly bracing for bad news, a bad scan or bad test results, preparing myself for battle. I can’t seem to turn that off. I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop.
My attention is now focused on checking my body for signs of recurrence. Scanxiety may be worse now than ever before. I am still dealing with chemo’s side effects though they are slowly waning. I have not been able to relax my fears enough to enjoy my remission. That’s just the unfiltered truth.
Nobody warned me that “after cancer” means that I am facing my disease with a lot less support. My caregivers are celebrating my “good” news. My medical care team is now quarterly, and they don’t really know me as a person anymore. Iam now just the next body on their schedule.
Remission is not what I expected. Cancer keeps coming at me, this time from another angle. This is the reality of remission for me. Yet, I am NOT BROKEN.
Much of what I share comes from my own cancer journey. I share this for educational purposes only and to stimulate questions for you to discuss with your medical team. None of what I say should be used alone for your medical decisions. Every journey is unique. Please consult your doctor before making treatment decisions.
If this article resonated with you, you should read NOT BROKEN The Unfiltered Daily Truth in Fighting Cancer. The book goes deeper into the day-to-day realities of cancer—honestly, practically, and without filters.
Get your copy of NOT BROKEN The Unfiltered Daily Truth in Fighting Cancer here → www.Amazon.com/dp/B0GT2G4S3D