Finding the New Version of Me
Life After Cancer
I used to spend a lot of energy trying to get back to who I was before cancer. The version of me that had a plan, a routine, a sense of forward motion. Always doing something for my career and my future. Always busy.
The version that had it mostly together.
I’m not exactly sure when I stopped trying but I did. I realized it recently when I started my to-do list for June. The old me had a daily list, a long full-page list. This list was for the whole month. I wasn’t planning too far ahead and was leaving my days open to rest and relax. Maybe this is the new habit from not being able to do much while on chemo, maybe it’s the new me, not stressing myself out every day.
I am not giving up, I am giving in. I finally asked myself if the person I’m trying to get back to was ever the real me, the deepest truth of me? Was I ever doing what I was meant to do. I’ve always questioned my purpose in life and that question now begs to be answered.
What I notice now, and this seems to be confirmed from posts from other cancer patients, is that there is a different kind of exhaustion now. It doesn’t come from the illness itself, but from the searching. The trying to be somewhere other than where I am. The straining toward a version of myself that feels safe and known but that version is gone…and gone forever.
As I write this, I realize that the relief that comes when I stop reaching is not emptiness. It is not giving up or losing control. It is more like coming home to something that was already there. Something quieter.
Something that doesn’t need me to be cured before it can be okay.
I’m not talking about toxic positivity or clichés that motivate me for only minutes. I’m talking about something genuinely different. Finding a foundation that exists underneath the fear, underneath my cancer story, underneath the identity of a “cancer patient.”
You are NOT BROKEN. I am NOT BROKEN. We have been trying to be a version of ourselves that is exhausted and afraid, and trying to manage a situation that is genuinely unmanageable.
The moment you stop — really stop — something shifts.
Now, I am learning to be more comfortable in what is developing into the new me. It is a work in progress, and I am still a mess. But emotionally, I feel better. I’m slowly accepting that this new me can be totally different.
Who exactly is the new me? The version of me in cancer remission?
I’m not really sure who the old me was, but I miss her.
I am working on acceptance. Accepting that the old me, most of her, is gone forever. I will hold on to some of her, her best qualities, I hope. I’ve been told that acceptance is power, and I feel so out of control right now.
· Embracing all aspects of me and approval of me
· Being good with who I am, even with imperfections
· Freedom from cancer’s limitations – emotionally
· Changing my focus from limitations to possibilities
Theres more to our life than cancer.
God is not breaking you... He is building you. He does not always give us what we expect in life. He gives us what we need. Maybe I needed to walk this cancer journey to find my purpose.
I know how overwhelming these days can feel.
That’s why I wrote NOT BROKEN: The Unfiltered Daily Truth in Fighting Cancer.
It’s the book I wish I had when I was trying to process the diagnosis, navigate treatment, and hold onto myself through it all.
If this article resonated with you, the book, NOT BROKEN The Unfiltered Daily Truth in Fighting Cancer, goes deeper into the day-to-day realities of cancer, honestly, practically, and without filters.
Read about NOT BROKEN here → www.Amazon.com/dp/B0GT2G4S3D